Where Do I Fit

      At age five, I announced to my kindergarten teacher, Miss Parde, that I wanted to be a police Officer when I grew up. I wanted to become a police officer, a soldier, and a lawyer; when I was asked why I said I wanted to make a difference in other people's lives; for a five-year-old kid, that was pretty profound.

My parents were children of alcoholics. Their childhood was filled with pain and toxicity. The result was I experienced the remnants of their pain. I did not have a good relationship with my mother, as we always fought. My relationship with my father was distant. Growing up, I felt my parents hated me. As I got older, and better educated I realized that my parents were who they were as a result of their childhood. They carried the soul wounds of their upbringing.

About the time I turned 17, I learned I was going to become a father.  I joined the military and got married. Our marriage lasted all four years.

Around the time our marriage ended, I experienced the loss of many friends serving with me. Shortly after my marriage ended, my forty-eight-year-old father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I was burdened with the wounds of many traumas. I was bleeding within my soul, and I didn't know it. I was constantly angry and making poor decisions; my personality had changed. I left the military under a hardship discharge as a result of my father's illness.  

For eleven months, I watched my father's health decline. I was lost and made many poor decisions, including getting into a relationship that would end badly. My problems were so overwhelming I ran away, ending up on the streets of Charlotte, North Carolina. I did not know anyone; I didn't have a job or a place to live. I was homeless for eleven months. I felt helpless, hopeless, and lonely. I was missing my father (who had died due to his cancer at forty-nine) and my children. I was tired of hurting and being alone, so I decided to end my pain. However, I failed in my attempt to end it. Then, finally, someone cared enough to give me a hand up. My problems didn't disappear, but I was trying to find a place where I fit.

In 1994, I was diagnosed with PTSD, a new label. The Veterans Affairs Hospital treatment plan was to medicate me. I couldn't afford to take the meds because I would not be able to work, and I would have become homeless again. So I battled my invisible wounds for over two decades. It cost me a lot, and I left the people I love along the road of my life. I was in pain, but I lived as though nothing was wrong. I hid behind a wall I had erected to protect those I cared about (at least, that is what I told myself.)  I was not honest about my past or my present. I was living a life that was filled with deception. I thought I could fix this on my own. I couldn't. I watched my life unravel.

In 2014, I retired from my childhood dream of becoming a law enforcement officer. I fulfilled my dream. However, I brought years of personal pain and witnessed countless others living in turmoil. The morning after I retired, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, asking myself, "whom is that staring at me? "

I had become a college professor teaching first- and second-year students aspiring to enter the Criminal Justice System. One day as I stood before my class of sixty students, I had a vision of twenty years down the road. I saw empty places where students were missing because of the loss of life, illness, murder, and suicide. Other students looked beaten up and thrown away due to alcohol and substance abuse. There were students with multiple failed relationships. I was experiencing a reflection of my own life with his students. I needed to act now.

My life made an abrupt change that day. Finally, I knew I had a purpose and that all I had experienced was not for naught. There are countless men and women in the ranks of our military and law enforcement community, as well as their families, that have or are having similar experiences in their lives, wanting the pain to end.  They are afraid to ask for help because they fear being rejected again.  Many think that ending their pain will free them. I started WARRIORSHEARTUSA.org and POWER2CHANGE Academy to connect, train, equip, and reverse the crisis for these men and women dealing with soul wounds.